I was headed to my daughter's on Saturday, when I encountered one of the most bizarre occurrences of my life when some young man wanted to race. The only way I can describe this driver's behavior is to imagine he is following information from social media. For the satire-challenged, this is a parody.
DO's and DON'Ts of Social Media Street Racing
DO remember, it's hard to get "likes" when posting a loss, so why chance it? Choose your opponent with care. Beatable examples include mid 80's Tercels, minivans, Hyundai SUVs, and any
Subaru without a hood scoop. Any domestic make in the emission era between '73 and '78 is also fair game. A great street racer not only wins the race, but humiliates the fool in the next lane as he posts his "kill". In any case, posting your story to the internet is the only reason you race. An occasional loss posted humbly boosts your credibility. Do not post video for losses. Lie. Just remember Tercels should be considered Supra Turbos. Any SUV becomes a TrackHawk. All Subarus are modded STIs. Use your creativity!
DON'T be sucked into the obsolete notion that you should only race on a track or on a straight, flat and open multi-lane road you loser. There is infinitely more enjoyment and "likes" to be had if the roadway includes double-yellow lines, blind corners, hills, and (at least in NE Tennessee) the absence of "shoulders". Let's face it, shoulders are for ladies to cry on and for bracing your
shotgun, not for roads. A real racer also ignores pesky signs warning of school zones, railroad tracks, blind driveways, Deaf Children Playing or deer crossings. YIELD and STOP signs should of course be considered suggestions. The very thought that you could injure yourself or others is silly- I mean how many injuries have you sustained in Grand Theft Auto besides carpal tunnel?
DO be polite when initiating the race. Street Racing while illegal is a gentlemanly affair. As such, there are certain customs to be followed: Start by rapidly approaching your competition from
behind while politely laying on your horn and flashing your lights. You should strive to maintain as few inches as possible from their rear bumper. This cautious approach alerts the challenged
as to your intention to race them- a gracious move on your part allowing them to exit the field with honor. Preferably by driving into the shoulderless ditch. By Street Racing law such an outcome is considered a forfeit. You win without sacrificing precious gas money that could be better spent on weed or Grand Theft Auto cheat codes.
DON'T forget to commit the encounter to video. Two hands on the wheel is for nancy-boys! Imagine the fun of filming that minivan full of unbelted school children exiting the pavement in a
rollover! Can you say KA-CHING? Without video you'll miss your chance to supplement your income by starting your own YouTube channel from your Mom's basement.
DO begin your passing maneuver with a violent jerk of the steering wheel leaving minimum clearance between the bumpers as you pull into the adjacent lane. Bonus if you hit the broken pavement and gravel on the far side- this shows your skills in pinpoint navigation and reaction time. In two lane situations, checking for oncoming traffic or your victim's left blinker IS optional.
Once alongside the victim calmly make eye contact followed by any gesticulations you feel are appropriate to show your disdain for their vehicle. Now is also a good time to ensure you are
in the proper gear as you want to be at peak torque when you floor it. If you find yourself in 5th for example, go the for 5-2 downshift! Any grinding from synchros and gears should be ignored. A loud screeching from the drive tires means you have successfully completed the shift. Always remember that your valves will not float via a downshift as your rev limiter will save the valvetrain.
DON'T pull the newbie move of raising your middle finger. By custom this means the race is now on and this negates any advantage. The preferable approach is to honk the horn three times
signalling the beginning of the race. Third honk means go. You of course floor it on the second honk. This is accepted practice and if your competitor is too naive to realize this, too bad, it
shows they are gullible and your victory is assured...UNLESS you didn't read DO #1. In the unlikely event that you've lost or God forbid, you die in a head-on crash from that gravel truck cresting the hill in your lane, you have been SANDBAGGED. After all the fact that their Hyundai beat your racing beast is only because they have obviously turbo'd their vehicle. They might even have forced induction or something called Naws. Nothing is more infuriating than seeing his taillights taunting you. So, revenge is callled for....
DO chase down that SOB whether they're fleeing from you in terror or continuing to follow all legal speed limits and road signs. Their seeming obliviousness to their unfair treatment of you
cannot go unpunished. Just as you initiated the race, drive up on their bumper, lay on the horn, put on your brights. Their behavior shows that politeness is no longer necessary. Seasoned
racers will also weave back and forth (to heat their tires), drop back and then charge forward again as traffic dictates. You are looking for a chance to "slingshot" past this fool. This allows you
to get up to ramming speed and to "draft" your opponent to minimize wind resistance. This should be practiced even at 20 mph. Should you actually manage the pass, the coup d'etat is to
perform an advanced move called the "brake check". This gives you a chance to vent all that passive aggression. Bonus if they run into you as you can now turn in your video to the police as evidence they were at fault. Continue punishing this idiot until they get home or the police arrive.
DON'T forget to delete the video if police arrive.
How was your Saturday?
DO's and DON'Ts of Social Media Street Racing
DO remember, it's hard to get "likes" when posting a loss, so why chance it? Choose your opponent with care. Beatable examples include mid 80's Tercels, minivans, Hyundai SUVs, and any
Subaru without a hood scoop. Any domestic make in the emission era between '73 and '78 is also fair game. A great street racer not only wins the race, but humiliates the fool in the next lane as he posts his "kill". In any case, posting your story to the internet is the only reason you race. An occasional loss posted humbly boosts your credibility. Do not post video for losses. Lie. Just remember Tercels should be considered Supra Turbos. Any SUV becomes a TrackHawk. All Subarus are modded STIs. Use your creativity!
DON'T be sucked into the obsolete notion that you should only race on a track or on a straight, flat and open multi-lane road you loser. There is infinitely more enjoyment and "likes" to be had if the roadway includes double-yellow lines, blind corners, hills, and (at least in NE Tennessee) the absence of "shoulders". Let's face it, shoulders are for ladies to cry on and for bracing your
shotgun, not for roads. A real racer also ignores pesky signs warning of school zones, railroad tracks, blind driveways, Deaf Children Playing or deer crossings. YIELD and STOP signs should of course be considered suggestions. The very thought that you could injure yourself or others is silly- I mean how many injuries have you sustained in Grand Theft Auto besides carpal tunnel?
DO be polite when initiating the race. Street Racing while illegal is a gentlemanly affair. As such, there are certain customs to be followed: Start by rapidly approaching your competition from
behind while politely laying on your horn and flashing your lights. You should strive to maintain as few inches as possible from their rear bumper. This cautious approach alerts the challenged
as to your intention to race them- a gracious move on your part allowing them to exit the field with honor. Preferably by driving into the shoulderless ditch. By Street Racing law such an outcome is considered a forfeit. You win without sacrificing precious gas money that could be better spent on weed or Grand Theft Auto cheat codes.
DON'T forget to commit the encounter to video. Two hands on the wheel is for nancy-boys! Imagine the fun of filming that minivan full of unbelted school children exiting the pavement in a
rollover! Can you say KA-CHING? Without video you'll miss your chance to supplement your income by starting your own YouTube channel from your Mom's basement.
DO begin your passing maneuver with a violent jerk of the steering wheel leaving minimum clearance between the bumpers as you pull into the adjacent lane. Bonus if you hit the broken pavement and gravel on the far side- this shows your skills in pinpoint navigation and reaction time. In two lane situations, checking for oncoming traffic or your victim's left blinker IS optional.
Once alongside the victim calmly make eye contact followed by any gesticulations you feel are appropriate to show your disdain for their vehicle. Now is also a good time to ensure you are
in the proper gear as you want to be at peak torque when you floor it. If you find yourself in 5th for example, go the for 5-2 downshift! Any grinding from synchros and gears should be ignored. A loud screeching from the drive tires means you have successfully completed the shift. Always remember that your valves will not float via a downshift as your rev limiter will save the valvetrain.
DON'T pull the newbie move of raising your middle finger. By custom this means the race is now on and this negates any advantage. The preferable approach is to honk the horn three times
signalling the beginning of the race. Third honk means go. You of course floor it on the second honk. This is accepted practice and if your competitor is too naive to realize this, too bad, it
shows they are gullible and your victory is assured...UNLESS you didn't read DO #1. In the unlikely event that you've lost or God forbid, you die in a head-on crash from that gravel truck cresting the hill in your lane, you have been SANDBAGGED. After all the fact that their Hyundai beat your racing beast is only because they have obviously turbo'd their vehicle. They might even have forced induction or something called Naws. Nothing is more infuriating than seeing his taillights taunting you. So, revenge is callled for....
DO chase down that SOB whether they're fleeing from you in terror or continuing to follow all legal speed limits and road signs. Their seeming obliviousness to their unfair treatment of you
cannot go unpunished. Just as you initiated the race, drive up on their bumper, lay on the horn, put on your brights. Their behavior shows that politeness is no longer necessary. Seasoned
racers will also weave back and forth (to heat their tires), drop back and then charge forward again as traffic dictates. You are looking for a chance to "slingshot" past this fool. This allows you
to get up to ramming speed and to "draft" your opponent to minimize wind resistance. This should be practiced even at 20 mph. Should you actually manage the pass, the coup d'etat is to
perform an advanced move called the "brake check". This gives you a chance to vent all that passive aggression. Bonus if they run into you as you can now turn in your video to the police as evidence they were at fault. Continue punishing this idiot until they get home or the police arrive.
DON'T forget to delete the video if police arrive.
How was your Saturday?
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